I have never felt this burn out in my entire life, yeah I know you would say – heck, what is new – whiner. But no. I am so burned out that sometimes I just let time slip, and most of the time, I have utterly no reaction on the surface but the massive thoughts in my head are all but quiet.
Make your lazy brain work.
OK, I need to keep my mouth shut.
Hushing
My phone alarms every single day at 6 in the cockcrow, my eyes are half open I’m groggy and spurning to move. I reach for the phone to snooze it off. I rest my head on the pillow, close my eyes and as I drift off, unworried and heedless, I slumber the moment away.
I wake up, dazed and strongly expressing refusal to get up. And as I slowly gain lucidity, I reach for my phone to see the time and there dawning upon me is elapsed time – 4 hours have passed since I turned off the alarm. Unwillingly, I get up, sit on the bed while taking a deep breath, I get out of the room, walk languidly to the washroom and appease myself by my morning ritual. I go back to my room, sit on the bed, wishing that Sundays should be extended or to make it more heavenly, the constitution should mandate Mondays to be a nonworking holiday. This is me on Mondays – physically indolent.
Today, however, is different. Willingly, I woke up on time. It’s a good day so far…
Just when things are getting better, or so you thought, nefarious, down-at-heel hussies would loom impetuously like an edacious serpent lingering and camouflaging in the treacherous dark, ready to devour its prey in just a single wrong move. You know how it is to live and it is to survive every battle that life throws at you. Voracious Predators are always lurking around for ambuscade, leaving the weakest lifeless or if you are lucky enough, you get to witness a morbidly, terrifying moment of your life and its either you run or you fight. They say that all things come to an end, for a moment you are happy and blissful next thing you know it was all just a glimpse and then you find yourself either running or fighting again.
Even the most priceless of your possession, at one moment you thought you have gotten a tenacious grip of it but in a blink of an eye these loathsome serpents would steal it from you. You do your best to be rational so you can fight hard and set away the sea of emotions that immensely decapitating you because once it get the better of you, you can do nothing but wishful thinking.
I dont know if I make sense…or am I just blabbering. I really need to vent after all. This is like choking an enormous lump of bile…yeah yeah yeah, if assholes have wings everyone is flying. You don’t have to conceal your deranged self in disguise…I’ll get you….I fight…
You have to welcome me back! LOL, wow it’s been a while since I’ve written anything coherent.
If my memory is not tainted, it was about a week ago when I was on a shuttle on the way somewhere when I overheard the conversation of the two women sitting in front of me. The younger woman is in the age of 30 and the older woman is in her golden age I presume. I’m never good at eavesdropping nor is it a habit of mine but at the time I couldn’t help myself but be engrossed with their conversation. I came to know that the younger woman is a dentist and they were talking about the common people they know. Towards the middle of the conversation, the older woman said “Ilang taon ka na ba?” – “How old are you?” the younger woman said “30” subsequently, the older woman asked another question “single ka pa ba?” – “are you single?” the younger woman retorted “I’m very single” while giggling. Now wait, whatever it is that you are thinking now, I am telling you, YOU ARE WRONG. So let me continue…
They were both smiling while conversing. The older woman said “yung panganay kong lalake, lawyer at single pa, papaligawan kita ha?” – “my eldest son is a lawyer, I would like him to date you?” the younger woman responded positively with giggles and chuckles in between, repeatedly. It made me smile and listen more, I also noticed that the girl sitting on my left was also smiling vehemently and she tilted her head slightly forward just so she could hear them better. The older woman fired another question, “nagluluto ka ba?” – “do you cook?” the younger woman quickly responded “opo” – “yes” (with respect LOL)….sloth is taking over me, so I have to make this short.
As the older woman was ducking herself in satisfaction, she told the younger woman that she will have her son visit her soon in her clinic. While she was repeatedly accentuating her son’s visit, she took out her wallet and showed her son’s picture and the younger woman responded positively with giggles and zealousness. And oh, did I tell you that they were complete strangers to each other before they got on the bus.
I noticed that I haven’t written any entry for the month of May. I am looking back to the times when I had oodles of thoughts that I wanted to share but due to my repeatedly unsought slothfulness, and lack of cohesion that tend to lurk incessantly, and attack me like a raving monster, I have nothing but a number of drafts in my dashboard. You will never believe the extent of my sloth, it’s so powerful that I lose control over it most of the time and succumb to procrastination.
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Frustration engulfs me a lot of times lately, I don’t want to go into detail but I hope that things will be better soon and as I slumber the night away, I pray that tomorrow, the promise of hope shall emanate.
I can barely write at least five blog entries lately and It’s not because I don’t have anything in my mind, it’s just that I lack cohesion once again these days. I have five drafts in my dashboard and all I can convoke is a few lines of introduction with which I kept on fighting over infinitesimal deletion and reconstruction like a total moonstruck. I am constantly rowing in the depths of cavernous melancholy and it engulfs me.
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I want to be consoled. I want to be away – far away from all this. I want to run free with the horses and play with butterflies in a meadow of vivacity and colours. I want to see the birds flying underneath a very wispy, feathery sky like a blanket while the sunlight is passing through it. Oh how I want to…
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Help! Help! Help!
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Today’s MANTRA
Absofuckinglutely, Absofuckinglutely, Absofuckinglutely
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The fragments of thought I strivingly want to express…………only if I could……………but then……………you would never understand…………………..so its best that……………….If I immerse in the world of silence………………….that says it all………………and if sometimes I am away with the fairies……………………….do you fathom the depths of my thoughts……………………….when its all about you…………………..and you…………….and then you……………..can you blame me………………..when I only want to live my way……………………………………..
Sometimes, it’s just too depressing finding yourself doing the same set of things over and over again every day. Waking up at six o’clock in the morning resenting time because you haven’t gotten enough sleep and yet you have no choice but to pull yourself together, and find the eagerness to get up and take a shower as you need to be at work at 8:30. You are jaded with the constant battle over indecisiveness on the perfect outfit to wear for the day as you have to attend endless meetings, and to simply exhibit yourself ostentatiously because appearance has great relevance to professional success. And then you leave home hoping that things would go the way you have planned it but as you start your day and walk yourself outside, you are greeted by the scorching sun and the irksomely atrocious traffic in the fervent city .
Once you get to work, you start it off by opening your email and as your day progress, you are also toiling over endless issues at work, a tight deadline, a bellyaching grouchy client who never gets satisfied with anything, a colleague who fails to deliver his reports on time and always summons on dilatory tactics, add it up with the big cheese putting a thousand pounds of pressure on your weary shoulders, and you’ve got nothing but time which seems to elapse like a thunderbolt. And then you find yourself standing underneath a canopy along with all your lung-destroyer-classmates puffing through a stick of cigarette while watching the smoke fades into the air and thinking about how you could get over an emotionally, mentally and physically distressing day.
You get back to your chair, stare at your computer while trying to muster a plan on how to get through the day. You type in a few words and then you erase it, type some again and erase it once more, you’re at wits’ end and you can do nothing but scratch your head. Your fingers can’t move anymore, your mind is blank and no matter how hard you squeeze every ounce of knowledge and logic you have mustered to learn all your life you’re still spacing out. It’s just too depressing, you just want to scream bloody murder and pour your wrath to anyone who would cross your way. You seek consolation from caffeine and sugar with a surge of hope that they will rescue you from all the madness and seemed endless office toil. Evening comes and you leave the office, exhausted. You get home, put yourself to sleep and as you close your eyes while succumbing to hibernation and putting away a long day, you are hoping that tomorrow is a different day.
I dont want to be a hypocrite – I must admit, I am not a simple person. I am way more than complicated, I am beyond what you see on the surface. I love lavish and exorbitant things that life has to offer, simplicity is always a last choice for me. My mind is primordially conditioned in that paradigm, for both tangible and monumental entities. I have a ravenous pursuit for progress and change, all these embody almost half of me and they are not bad, or so I thought.
I’m in a battle with myself, the intricacies I have created are now blowing out of the water. I am always grasping for more and wander for more like a rapacious predator. Selfishness, is it? You could be right, but then again, I am only living my life. The box is just not for me, when there are forests yet to be walked by my unused feet, oceans with abysmal water yet to be seen by my circumspect eyes, and mountains and plains beautifully arranged yet to be explored and climbed by my intricate self….or maybe I am just living my life in pretense.
Me and my diabolically crazy thoughts (SIGH). There are a lot of reasons why I am happier now but bizarre thoughts have been rambling in my excessively jaded mind lately. Thoughts I consider and I am pretty sure, you would also consider highly fiendish. I’m afraid I am becoming very selfishly inconsiderate and peccant, in spite of myself being greatly aware of the density that my thoughts bring forth, I did nothing but let myself regale it. Sometimes, I find myself just sitting in the corner, my eyes are at the window, looking as if I am watching something over it but in reality, I am in a different world, I am dazzled while gazing at it spin around my naked eyes. It is a world where I want to put myself. A saccharine world that never fails to briskly move around me, a world enamored and enraptured with sultry passion and fearless adventure, a world of nirvana, ecstacy and great love but when I snap back into reality, as I wake up in the deep sweet slumber, dysphoria takes over me.
My unrelenting mind is feebly breaking down and I’m afraid digression is taking over once again this time. I am vexed in the ceaseless conundrums lurking around me, they leave me incoherent and parched that sometimes I find myself staring off into space and will seek refuge from the comforts of caffeine and sugar hoping that somehow they will stimulate my brain cells so I can answer the riddles laid out for me. SIGH. I hope for things to be better soon. Hang in there my sweet sweet world, I’ll come running like a thunderbolt, I’ll be there just in time, you will never notice.
Welcome to my WORLD 