Decaying

I have been having a persistent mental and emotional uneasiness lately. It goes for a while and then it comes again. It lingers and slowly torments me. I could use a real vacation now, to think more and to forget myself. And by forgetting myself, I mean to develop more interest in life as I discern it with the richness of the world. To cast away all of my worries and rekindle my relationship with God. I’m so grateful to have been given a chance to visit my hometown and see my family. It’s been a while. But then again it wasn’t a vacation nor was it an excursion. I had to nurse my mother brought by a medical operation that she had to undergo. I had to play like a real grown up – from running all the errands at home and in the family to taking care of the hospital bill and whatnot. I tell you, it was tough. I had to put a smile on my face and place a joke in front of my mom and make her feel that everything is going to be alright that she just have to get into the operating room. The doctors will take care of her, excise whatever it is inside her, stitch her up and then we get out. Like everything is as simple as that.  God has been very compassionate, he made it simple. I have never discounted the power of prayer.

Funny how we all rushed to grow up at one point in our lives when growing up is so tough. Sometimes you have nothing tangible nor certain to rely upon but God’s mercy. And you have only your tears to console you. I call this stage in my life a “decay” but not to rot nor to decline from a state of normality or excellence as to deterioration; I’m looking at “decay as being just as wonderful and rich an expression of life as growth.”  Growing up is going forth into the real world. We get a job and work on our career. Some people are blessed to have gotten a career but there are some who have landed the career of nothing no matter how hard they try they just couldn’t permeate to the other side of the wall. You are either busy pleasing your parents if not yourself. You love and then it withers. And then you love again but there are those who –  finding true love is like finding needle in a haystack. Every day you ask yourself, who you are, what is your purpose, what will you become. You go forth in pursuit of happiness. You indulge yourself in creature comforts but you are never contented. Something is always lacking. Every now and then you get to have an empirical angst. Growing up is a stage to a new consciousness.

I will say this again, it was never easy; it is never easy; it will will never be easy. I face the day with a lot of courage. Well, I have to – for the people whom I love if not for myself. And indeed, positive thinking overcomes so many things. I may be troubled with a lot of things, but I am grateful in many ways. The friends who have failed me are always replaced by new ones who appear at the critical moment and from the most unexpected places. Things will be better, I always say this to myself and with God nothing is impossible. This new consciousness that I have is not of longing for some new place; a destination rather – to have a new way at looking at things. And just like Tin maybe I should just get some chicken wings tonight that will make use for temporary comfort.