Incoherence Once More

I can barely write at least five blog entries lately and It’s not because I don’t have anything in my mind, it’s just that I lack cohesion once again these days. I have five drafts in my dashboard and all I can convoke is a few lines of introduction with which I kept on fighting over infinitesimal deletion and reconstruction like a total moonstruck. I am constantly rowing in the depths of cavernous melancholy and it engulfs me.

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I want to be consoled. I want to be away – far away from all this. I want to run free with the horses and play with butterflies in a meadow of vivacity and colours. I want to see the birds flying underneath a very wispy, feathery sky like a blanket while the sunlight is passing through it. Oh how I want to…

 

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Help! Help! Help!

 

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Today’s MANTRA

 

Absofuckinglutely, Absofuckinglutely, Absofuckinglutely

 

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The fragments of thought I strivingly want to express…………only if I could……………but then……………you would never understand…………………..so its best that……………….If I immerse in the world of silence………………….that says it all………………and if sometimes I am away with the fairies……………………….do you fathom the depths of my thoughts……………………….when its all about you…………………..and you…………….and then you……………..can you blame me………………..when I only want to live my way……………………………………..

Everyday, cut-and-dried

Sometimes, it’s just too depressing finding yourself doing the same set of things over and over again every day. Waking up at six o’clock in the morning resenting time because you haven’t gotten enough sleep and yet you have no choice but to pull yourself together, and find the eagerness to get up and take a shower as you need to be at work at 8:30. You are jaded with the constant battle over indecisiveness on the perfect outfit to wear for the day as you have to attend endless meetings, and to simply exhibit yourself ostentatiously because appearance has great relevance to professional success. And then you leave home hoping that things would go the way you have planned it but as you start your day and walk yourself outside, you are greeted by the scorching sun and the irksomely atrocious traffic in the fervent city .

Once you get to work, you start it off by opening your email and as your day progress, you are also toiling over endless issues at work, a tight deadline, a bellyaching grouchy client who never gets satisfied with anything, a colleague who fails to deliver his reports on time and always summons on dilatory tactics, add it up with the big cheese putting a thousand pounds of pressure on your weary shoulders, and you’ve got nothing but time which seems to elapse like a thunderbolt. And then you find yourself standing underneath a canopy along with all your lung-destroyer-classmates puffing through a stick of cigarette while watching the smoke fades into the air and thinking about how you could get over an emotionally, mentally and physically distressing day.

You get back to your chair, stare at your computer while trying to muster a plan on how to get through the day. You type in a few words and then you erase it, type some again and erase it once more, you’re at wits’ end and you can do nothing but scratch your head. Your fingers can’t move anymore, your mind is blank and no matter how hard you squeeze every ounce of knowledge and logic you have mustered to learn all your life you’re still spacing out. It’s just too depressing, you just want to scream bloody murder and pour your wrath to anyone who would cross your way. You seek consolation from caffeine and sugar with a surge of hope that they will rescue you from all the madness and seemed endless office toil. Evening comes and you leave the office, exhausted. You get home, put yourself to sleep and as you close your eyes while succumbing to hibernation and putting away a long day, you are hoping that tomorrow is a different day.

Null Time

As I sit on my bed while glancing through my window at the dancing leaves seemingly savoring the sudden burst of the cool breeze and the scorching heat of the sun, ennui descends upon me and drowns me in the incapability of finding something to think, do, or say. When at loose ends on times like this, I usually gorge myself in illusory mental image and be lost in solitary thought. Today however, everything is spacing me out.

I’m fighting the inanity real hard. I’m doing my very best to stomp it to the abode of the immeasurable deep chasm just so I could get back to my senses. This lethargy is eating me whole. Meanwhile, I’m going out and see the world as the sun disappears below the western horizon and as the birds tweet in perfect cadence finding their way home. My nocturnal aptness might save me, after all, I am dipping my toes in the water.

Whatever…

Grasp for More

I dont want to be a hypocrite – I must admit, I am not a simple person. I am way more than complicated, I am beyond what you see on the surface. I love lavish and exorbitant things that life has to offer, simplicity is always a last choice for me. My mind is primordially conditioned in that paradigm, for both tangible and monumental entities. I have a ravenous pursuit for progress and change, all these embody almost half of me and they are not bad, or so I thought.

 

I’m in a battle with myself, the intricacies I have created are now blowing out of the water. I am always grasping for more and wander for more like a rapacious predator. Selfishness, is it? You could be right, but then again, I am only living my life. The box is just not for me, when there are forests yet to be walked by my unused feet, oceans with abysmal water yet to be seen by my circumspect eyes, and mountains and plains beautifully arranged yet to be explored and climbed by my intricate self….or maybe I am just living my life in pretense.