Keeping my Sanity

I am going back to a nocturnal adjustment, an interim stint that I have to deal with. Sometimes it’s good, when for a moment I fell into a state of felicity in an inexplicable way but most of the time, I am screaming bloody murder. Last night, I found something good in it though, I got to see a few people I have worked with, a little over three years ago. Yes, that’s right, the days of green and purple. A mnemonic night indeed.

 

To be honest, the nocturnal adjustment is not so much of an issue. I am whining about a rather beautiful pursuit, but is becoming a fiercely can of worms due to the incapability of a specified character that has utterly no sound bearing at all. Clearly, there is only one central direction and it is leading to a beautiful mess, whoa. Let’s see where it is going. Meanwhile, I am keeping my sanity.

The Sun Shines Brightest After a Storm

What a joy it is! Looking out the door and the sun shining at the apparent horizon. Many of us have been constantly praying for the sun to shine amid the the two devastating typhoons that visited us and displaced thousands of our beloved countrymen, not to mention the lives it took in such a brief period of time. The wind is blowing gently and the sun is bright, it reminds me that we can now take out our laundry and have it dried under the sun’s spell.

Bad things happen, it is elemental in life. For those who were affected, yes it is hard to move on and to start all over again. You had moments of distress, you saw life taking its toll on you, everything you have worked hard for vanished at an instant with all the gushing waters but today is a brand new day – a perfect time to be thankful and to celebrate life, that through it all you are still here. To be in your own world, free. This moment might not last but it doesn’t matter. What is important is to experience everything in life, the struggles and the mournfulness and the giddying triumphs.

And if you work really hard again and believe in yourself and you are willing to experience pain and fear, you might just get lucky again and have a moment like this – the sun shines brightest after a storm. Anything could happen in life, anything could happen to anyone regardless of who you are and sometimes it is good but you just have to believe that it could happen to you.

Remembering, Praying, and Grateful

REMEMBERING

This is really very hard to write about, at times when I look back with flashes in my head of the grievous event that has happened, I still couldn’t help myself but succumb in tears. Time flies really, thinking it’s already a year has past since Teejay was diagnosed with brain tumor (even writing this word is a torture).

Below is an excerpt of what I have written a year ago.

2008 was definitely the most tremulous year of my life. I was stomped to hell, shaken vigorously from head to toe, I was dazed, bewildered, helpless, wandering, sobbing, seeking for refuge, filled with utter misery. I was in a deadly maze and a labyrinth of distress perforated every inch of me, it came in bolt, it was fierce and extremely painful. I couldn’t see anything but utter darkness. Seeing him lying on the hospital bed was like standing on the precipice and any minute can turn into a deadly dysphoria, when I look down I can see nothing but pitch-black abyss waiting to swallow me and erase my brief existence leaving no clue but when I look up, I can see a very little light, there I see him standing, the silhouette of his face ignited a spark of hope. I reached out my hand to touch him, screaming at him to stay with me for eternity and to never lose his grip to that little light that makes him visible from the precipice where I’m standing.

PRAYING

I prayed with all the saints and even with Virgin Mary, I prayed with my loudest voice hoping that God would render his marvelous mercy on him, that he will make him stay with me for eternity. I woke up one morning anxious to see the light, I walked and peeped through the glass door of the room and there I saw his beautiful face. God concluded my dysphoria. I was brought to heaven and my sun recrudesced and shone to light all the darkness I saw. Life comes with infinite enigma and could be a real bitch sometimes but God is the greatest and he is the owner of this so called life. Miracles happen, indeed.

The ephemeral beings that we are, life is indeed full of surprises, in a blink of an eye, in a fraction of a second, in a twist of our body while sleeping, in a droplet of sweat we shed, in a single word that we blurt, in just a step we take or in any mundane activity that we do regardless of time and place, infirmity can usurp and imbibes the life out of us; destroys us in a constant moment of disquietude and grief and the only being that we can depend on is the almighty and divine who created us. It is in time of infirmity that we take a moment to call God, our families and friends are gathered in one thought diffusing our silent reveries in a form of prayer – a poignant thing that even in solemn silence or solitude can be heard by our most reverent God.

Unselfish and noble actions are the most radiant pages in the biography of souls.  ~David Thomas

I believe in prayer.  It’s the best way we have to draw strength from heaven.  ~Josephine Baker

GRATEFUL

In the recent tribulation that we have went through, fear subjugated us and it tested our resiliency and faith in God transcendentally. The languid days of pungent reflection and distress formidably perforated our hearts and our minds, slowly shattered our imperturbability. But our downright faith in God has saved us all from this tragic epitome of evanescent life that we have.

To God be the Glory!

Thank you God for everything.

To all of you who prayed for Teejay, THANK YOU SO MUCH. Our most reverent and benevolent God will surely grant you his grace. Thank you all for the support and prayers you have bestowed for him, your utmost care and munificence are greatly appreciated. Please extend our deepest gratitude to all of you, let us all continue to pray for his absolute recovery and wellness. PRAISE GOD!

Keeping my Mouth Closed

How absurd it is. To think that not so long ago, I was in this same apparent horizon – the same roles are being played, the same plot of events, the same cloud on the horizon I can perceive but only different people are playing the roles. I have done my best to use my judgment based on logic and reason and I have listened and have also blurted out a few words but it is beyond redemption. This time, I am giving my subconscious a chance to speak up and be heard through silence.

I will just have to let time pass as it is the only way to compensate me for now, although I am not holding time responsible for this seethe nor am I dragging time to condemnation but time is my only ally now. It may be bad today but tomorrow will be better, I am looking forward to seeing the silver lining of a cloud. Meanwhile, I will indulge in the many creature comforts otherwise I’d be chasing pavements with the same look in my face, with anxieties and with an image of an epitome of disgruntlement that refuses to leave my head. I am keeping my mouth closed, I have a dog to watch.

A Moment of Void

Unfathomable surge of emotions

The night is burning

It seems hard to explain

Where is this coming from

I can only stare and hear

The passing cars

The bright lights

People’s fleeting faces

The radio

The collective sound made by vehicles

And suddenly I’m blank

…sinking into the depths of void

A Lost Ball in the High Weeds

I reach the office scatterbrained again. I sit, clear my head and open my PC. For a moment, I think of the various things that I need to accomplish for today. Suddenly, I remember the sad reality and my mind turns into a cantankerous pith briefly caused by my instant cognizance.  I feel like an idiot, asking myself the same set of questions. I take a deep breath and convince myself not to falter. I am keeping my composure otherwise I can always leave and stick out my tongue at you. Wheeeeeee

A lost ball in the high weeds, I pity you.

Where do We go from Here

I woke up at 6 in the morning today, unwillingly. Dragged myself to the washroom, took a cold shower, brushed my teeth and whatnot. I brushed my hair in the car and was too lazy to put on some make up. I slept the entire time on the way to work. I got out of the car whining and wanting some more sleep. I walked on the parking lot sluggishly and dragging my feet on 3-inch heels. I got on the elevator with my eyes closed. I reached the 8^th floor and was greeted by the guard “Good Morning Maam” and there I was struggling to smile as a form of response. I wasn’t mean nor was I a snob, just lazy and God knows how sleepy I was.

I got on my seat, turned on my computer as I pay respect to my everyday ritual which is to open my email firstly with a surge of hope that our erratic ISP won’t give us any trouble anymore. I opened my browser only to find out that today is not different to the previous days I was ranting and raving over intermittent and slow connectivity, not to mention the emails I have long been expecting which are long past due. I wished for coffee to magically appear in front of me, and save me from being scatterbrained.

I went to Starbucks with Tin, got my favorite grande brewed coffee and what do you know, sometimes I could just get lucky, I won another free coffee for the nth time. We walked back to the office. I stopped by at the bank to get my checkbook, as I was withdrawing money from the ATM machine, I witnessed a brief second of disaster. My Coffee cup slid off the flat surface of the ATM machine, and then I saw my coffee flowing freely on the floor. As soon as I got my checkbook, I decided to go back to Starbucks to get another cup of coffee.

I ordered another cup of brewed coffee and told the coffee master what happened and what do you know, he replaced my coffee for free. This is not advertising but I went out of the door with a big grin on my face. And, as yet, trying to avoid the word “deadline” in my head.

Confessions of a Shoe Addict

I was close to committing a crime, not the crime in your mind but I’m talking about – a lot of times lately, I’m almost close to succumbing in the whimsical indulgence of getting myself a beautiful pair of shoes, er no, I have to be honest not just a pair but all those I find beautiful rather and for me it is like committing a crime because I have made a rule to never spend my money on anything belonging to capricious indulgence. Furthermore I am strongly committed to being frugal as I have goals to achieve.

This is such a big sacrifice and I hope to reap the fruits of my saccharine sacrifice in time.  Good thing I managed to adhere to my rules and even as yet. I am trying my best not to regale the opposing yet beautiful thoughts I have because after all, it was me who made the rules and its me who can amend it. Do you know what I’m thinking? LOL And I’m afraid, I may not be as strong as you think I am but I’ll endure the pain of going home without a big bag of new boots or a calfskin high heel sandals. To think that there is a sale here and there.

Awww poor me.

Hushing

I have never felt this burn out in my entire life, yeah I know you would say – heck, what is new – whiner. But no. I am so burned out that sometimes I just let time slip, and most of the time, I have utterly no reaction on the surface but the massive thoughts in my head are all but quiet.

Make your lazy brain work.

OK, I need to keep my mouth shut.

Hushing

Monday = Indolence

My phone alarms every single day at 6 in the cockcrow, my eyes are half open I’m groggy and spurning to move. I reach for the phone to snooze it off. I rest my head on the pillow, close my eyes and as I drift off, unworried and heedless, I slumber the moment away.

I wake up, dazed and strongly expressing refusal to get up. And as I slowly gain lucidity, I reach for my phone to see the time and there dawning upon me is elapsed time – 4 hours have passed since I turned off the alarm. Unwillingly, I get up, sit on the bed while taking a deep breath, I get out of the room, walk languidly to the washroom and appease myself by my morning ritual. I go back to my room, sit on the bed, wishing that Sundays should be extended or to make it more heavenly, the constitution should mandate Mondays to be a nonworking holiday.  This is me on Mondays – physically indolent.

Today, however, is different. Willingly, I woke up on time. It’s a good day so far…